I finished a book yesterday that I didn’t really care for (Woke Up Like This) but one section made me feel so angry for the main character (Charlotte) that I had to share it here.
Don’t read this if you plan to read the book, because, spoilers.
Charlotte is talking to her stepmother about Charlotte’s deceased father, who she didn’t have a great relationship with. The stepmother gives Charlotte a box of items her father had keep from Charlotte’s childhood. Charlotte is shocked he had all these items, because he acted so disinterested in her life, and says so to her stepmother.
The stepmother says something along the lines of, “He was so proud of you. He always bragged about your accomplishments to anyone who would listen!” And Charlotte tells her she had no idea.
Later, Charlotte has brunch with her father (did I mention this is a time travel book?) and tells him how all she’s ever wanted to do was make him proud, but could never seem to. He tells her he’s always been proud, and thought she knew. She tells him she didn’t, and how was she supposed to if he never told her?
GAH. The part about him bragging about her to anyone/everyone but showing no interest in her life to HER made me absolutely RAGEY because it’s so real and relatable. I didn’t even like this character, or book, and I felt frustrated for her. The bragging implies an involvement in the relationship that doesn’t exist, and the dad gets to feel good without putting any work in. It seems so disingenuous. (Of course, I only have the child perspective on this, since we don’t have kids. I do somewhat get that her dad would rather brag about what he hears about her than say “I haven’t seen her in a year and we don’t talk.”)
Then for him to just assume she knew he was proud of her? How the hell would she know? She never sees her dad (part of that is on her) for physical clues. She probably doesn’t even know her mother is telling him about all her accomplishments.
I know it doesn’t come naturally to many to say how they feel, particularly in older generations. It’s hard work. Especially when it’s something bad, and not just “I’m proud of you.”
And hey, in case you hadn’t guessed it by now, Words of Affirmation is my love language, and that’s not everyone’s, so maybe other people don’t care about this as much? But surely, most people might like a little validation from their parents? Maybe?
Eh, maybe not. Maybe I am odd in that I get worked up about this.
BUT. If there is one good thing I got out of the book, it’s the reminder that people don’t know what you don’t tell them. People cannot read one another’s minds. Communication is hard, but important. Lasting relationships rely on honest communication.
I feel like I could keep going with inappropriate-to-share personal examples so I’ll stop here and get off my soapbox!
Amen! (I don’t mind when you’re on your soapbox 😉 )
Thank you Amy!
Open communication is one of my struggles because I just want everyone to be a mind-reader and know what’s going on without me having to talk about it. I’m trying to get better about that (thanks, therapy).
I bet you are getting better! Is it the work of communication that throws you off? I feel lazy about it often. Or not wanting to burden people?
Oh goodness, I have the exact same struggle that Stephany mentioned! “People don’t know what you don’t tell them” applies in so many ways, and in my case it’s THAT way.
But regarding the book plot point, that would upset me too. I won’t overshare, but that’s my mom. We’re working on it, but for a long time she really didn’t know me as an adult or much about my life so she was similar to Charlotte’s dad.
It would be great if people were mind-readers, at least in that regard, right? Sometimes I am just so tired of talking about things.
You totally get it, and it hurts so much. I am sorry she’s like that and think it’s great she’s working on it. I hope it makes a difference!
This is so true, Kim. A good reminder that open communication is so imperative.
This makes me think of a few other things that are true… You only see others’ highlight reels, for one. And, the general principle that we never know what others are going through, so be kind.
I like the idea of this – tell people what they cannot know unless you share! – though I don’t think I am a words of affirmation person. I’m definitely not someone who likes gifts, or physical touch, though. Hm. I might have to take that quiz again. 😉
Definitely! I think people have such a hard time with that – there’s something about seeing a select portion of someone’s life online that forces your brain to make lots of assumptions about them.
Maybe you’re quality time or acts of service!