I’ve had so much on my mind this week! I gotta get some of it out of there. (No promises on how coherent it will be.)
During a lot* of this week’s therapy I talked about how worked up and upset I get about feeling like things are taking too long or my time is being wasted (like last Friday). I wanted to jump right to “HOW DO I FIX ME AND MAKE THESE FEELINGS STOP?”
But obviously my therapist is going to dive in to that. She asked me to think about how judgmental I was being of myself and how I reacted to those situations. Which was true – in my mind it’s very much “wrong” and “over the top” for me to get so worked up over minor inconveniences and it’s something I should work at STOPPING. Is that not the case?!?!?!
She pointed out that that reaction is my body and mind trying to protect me because I’m trying to reclaim my time and those instances felt like a threat. This is 100% true – I am in therapy to try to get a better handle on anxiety and burnout and learn how to freaking relax.
So when she explained it like that, it did make sense, and I felt a little less bad about my reaction.
But then it hit me today – wait – does this mean I have to deal with hard emotions, and I can’t “fix” me? Because ideally I would just stop reacting this way.
At the beginning of therapy I told her I wanted to build a toolkit to handle my emotions and situations but I think the reality that these hard feelings won’t go away by working on them through therapy is just now hitting me. Ha. It’ll get easier of course.
No related photo so here’s me on the day I had therapy this week ha
*and this was discussed too
Good luck to you! I hope you do realize that down time is important and necessary for success in the rest of your life and that you’re able to find some coping tools to allow you do get that precious time!
Thank you! I hope so too! I feel like such a silly mess with all this.
If your therapist hasn’t already told you this, you don’t need to be fixed! Your feelings are real and valid so they probably won’t go away, and EVERYONE has something that really pushes their buttons. You’re taking the right step by working on that stuff in therapy – maybe as you start to understand some of those feelings better your reactions will change.
Thank you! I appreciate your validation! She hasn’t told me that yet but only because I just made this realization this weekend that I told her I wanted tools then realized in my head I really just wanted those feelings to go away. Ha. I need to discuss that with her. I would love my reactions changing a bit as I understand them more!
I think something that has helped me the most in therapy is recognizing the WHY behind some of my more anxious thought patterns. It’s not that those thought patterns will magically go away if I have the right tools (they might, but that’s not always the result), but being able to better understand where they are coming from allows me to give myself a lot more grace. For example, I worry a lot about my mom, and therapy has helped me come to terms with my traumatic childhood and my mom being my safe space in that chaos, so it’s no wonder that I worry about her! She’s still my safe space. And that being in fight-or-flight mode throughout my childhood means I am conditioned to feel out of sorts when things feel peaceful. That sounds so wacky, but working through these emotions through therapy has helped me understand that it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me; it’s a very real trauma response. Acknowledging that really helps me to give it a lot less weight in my life – I know it’s there, but I don’t have to give in to it. If that makes sense.
Anyway, I say all of that to say that therapy really is about digging into the heart of why we do the things we do. There’s usually an underlying reason for it. Most times, we just don’t know what it is. Burnout and being unable to relax are very real things for you (and a lot of people!), and I’m really proud of you for showing up in therapy and doing the hard work to get through it. It is NOT easy, but it will be worth it. <3
Stephany, that does not sound wacky at all, and you sharing that makes me feel really hopeful that as I continue to unpack and learn more I will also give myself more grace. Thank you so much for sharing that with me! It totally makes sense. I’m so glad you’ve been able to figure out the why.
Isn’t it interesting we need so much outside help to figure out why we do the things we do? I was having a bad moment this weekend and stopped and was like “why am I feeling this way?” and still couldn’t figure it out on my own. But I will talk to my therapist and learn
Thank you so much for being proud of me – your support and insight means so much!!!
Oh, wouldn’t it be just the best if we could just work on getting rid off certain feelings/emotions? It would make things a lot easier. However, I think talking about them and understanding why these feelings are triggered is a big step into the right direction of handling them better… and sometimes, we’re even able to replace anxious thoughts with neutral thoughts over time. .
It would be a dream! And that’s just it… a dream! Ha. But understanding them and how to react to them is better than nothing! I am giving myself a lot more grace now (and thought I was before – apparently not!).
Kim, what a process therapy has been for you, already! It took me a few minutes to figure out that (I think) you mean that you have anxiety/hard feelings, and were hoping that therapy would make them disappear, somehow, but instead, you’re finding out what you can do to help yourself react in a way that’s better for you? And if that’s it… I am right there with you. I struggle with facing the same challenges in therapy, repeatedly. Different situations, same challenge. And every time I am reminded that I need to remember WHY I am reacting the way I am, and what I can do about it/how I can change it. It’s so darn hard. You are doing the hard work – and it’s showing. <3
Yep, exactly that! Thank you so much! It is hard! Glad to know it’s not just me working on it!