I volunteered at an all day work event yesterday, and was excited to see I’d been assigned the role of “lobby greeter.”* I love having random conversations with strangers (if they are friendly, of course), so that was PERFECT for me!
Several people told me they’d hate that role, and felt bad I was assigned it since I had to stand around in the lobbies of our buildings for three hours total (over two separate sessions) and tell people attending the event where to go. Don’t feel bad for me, I loved it! I felt useful, got to chitchat with new people, meet clients in person for the first time, reconnect with old clients, and chat with my coworkers who were coming and going.
(My name and company were on my name tag but I removed them in this photo)
A few weeks ago, Amy sent me this NPR article “Want To Feel Happier Today? Try Talking To A Stranger” (pdf here) and I 100% agree with what they are saying (except for one thing, which I’ll get in to). The article is about research that random interactions with strangers often put people in a better mood, and give them a sense of community.** And guess what? “…a happy life is made up of a high frequency of positive events, and even small positive experiences make a difference.” So all those little interactions add up!
But we live in a society where it’s common to ignore one another, by not making eye contact, putting our earbuds in, looking at our phones, reading, etc. There’s definitely a time and place for that – we don’t have to be “on” all the time. If you need that quiet, YOU need it. I sit in the Quiet Car on the train ride to and from work, so I can get ready for a day of socializing, then decompress after it. So I do it too.
What the article is getting at though, is that it’s our go to to do those things now. It’s more common than not to avoid these small interactions (for example, with a barista, or another person in line at the store, or a person in the train). And when we avoid them, we forget that they can bring us a moment of good feelings.
The article claims the reason people don’t talk to strangers is because they are worried the stranger won’t like them. Really?! Really? That’s it?! That is the part I don’t agree with. I think it’s more than that. It’s habit, disinterest, laziness, being shy, or judgement of other people that makes us not want to talk to them. But tell me what you think about that!
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that I mostly work from home. I am in meetings a lot of that time (ugh), but man, I am LONELY.*** I talk to people on the phone and in chat, but it’s just NOT the same. I need actual in-person social interaction. Maybe more than the once a week I have it now. It’s tiring, when my socializing at the office is coupled by a two+ hour commute on each end, but I definitely need it!!!
*Ha, this was after I misread the tasks list and thought my only role was to fill up candy bowls. Ha ha ha. I was all “I am not coming in for a full day just to fill up candy bowls for 10 minutes!” But I was reading the wrong part of the task list – I had many more roles.
**One of the three basic needs, surprise, surprise!
***And I’m sure you’ve seen all the “loneliness kills!” and “loneliness is unhealthy! headlines.
That’s an interesting article! I never thought about little, positive interactions with strangers as being something that could make us happier. I have to admit that I’m one that tries to avoid interactions with strangers as much as possible. I’m not sure why. I guess maybe I assume they’ll be negative interactions instead of positive.
I can see you avoiding that, in DC! It’s crowded and there are probably some aggressive people on the streets! And sometimes you just want to walk around without bumping in to someone! I hope you do find some little positive interactions here and there though! 🙂
I, too, would have been fine with your volunteer job because I can talk to strangers pretty easily…see: three years volunteering at a hospital gift shop. I don’t work so I am at home all the time and yes, I get lonely too. When I go out I speak to everyone, all the cashiers, people in line with me (except at Starbucks, no one seems interested), and of course I talk to my dog, LOL. With my injury I’m home a lot more because doing too much still hurts and it’s rough, not gonna lie. I totally get what you said today.
YOU DO TOTALLY GET IT! Ahh, that makes me feel better. I am sad this is another thing that this stupid injury is making harder for you. I love my random chit chat with people!!!
Oh, sign me up as someone who would have hated being the greeter at your work event! That would have been my nightmare, haha. I’m glad you had fun with it, though! It’s good for people who enjoy people and chatting with strangers to be doing stuff like that. I have a good number of friends who would feel similarly to you!
As for me, I really dislike talking with strangers and it’s not something I like about myself! I wish I was better at chatting with random people, but it’s not one of my strengths. I’m usually friendly to people, but I don’t need to have a conversation with them. I think this is mainly to do with my social anxiety and just feeling flummoxed when I’m around people, worried about saying the wrong thing or not having anything to say. It’s easier to keep quiet!
It’s definitely easier to stay quiet if you are worried about saying the wrong thing. And from what we’ve talked about in other chats about you wanting to take time to come up with a response, I can totally see this role being HORRIBLE for you! You’d be under way too much pressure!
Aww, thanks for mentioning the article – I still find it fascinating, and like you, sometimes I really enjoy talking to strangers and sometimes I just can’t do it. But I do find that it makes me feel happier when I do. And I also think the more you do it, the easier it gets. It becomes kind of a habit.
Now, filling up candy bowls – that’s a pretty cool job! 😉
Yes, sometimes you are just NOT in the mood, right? I have moments (or periods) where I just don’t want to talk to anyone! I generally enjoy it, though.
There was lots of candy and cookies there!
So, as you know, the rule when running on the Lakefront Trail is that you ignore everyone around you at all costs, except to scream-swear at a cyclist who cuts you off (if you’re running) or a runner who gets in your way (if you’re a cyclist). Because of that, it was a HUGE surprise to me when I moved to the suburbs and other runners started greeting me. Not every runner does it, of course, but I don’t think I’ve had a single run yet where at least one person didn’t say hi (there’s one lady I’ve passed twice on a couple of runs, and she even says, “Have a good day!” the second time she passes you. She’s my favorite!). It makes me SO happy, even though it’s about as small of an interaction as you can get with a stranger. But it’s nice to be acknowledged, and acknowledge other people!
I agree that it’s probably not all fear that’s keeping people from talking to strangers. I think a lot of it is social norms–and the situation really dictates that. Most people don’t chat up their seatmates on public transportation, so we don’t do it–and I’d think it was weird if someone I didn’t know tried to have a conversation with me on the Metra or CTA, honestly. (Though that’s really only for conversations. When something notable happens and the person next to you makes a comment on it, that’s not as weird to me.) But on something like a group run, it’s downright expected that you’ll have a conversation with a stranger. So I think context matters in determining whether or not people will be more willing to chat with strangers – or maybe runners are just naturally chatty people 😛
Ha, I think you are on to something with runners being chatty… 🙂
I do know that rule on the Lakefront Trail! I hate it! It’s hard for me not to make eye contact and smile and say hi to everyone. I love that about the suburbs and am glad you are enjoying it. That was a huge part of that article – the importance of being acknowledged!!!
Exactly, social norms – that is the fancy phrase I could not find! It would be weird if people were chatting up strangers that did not want to chat on Metra or CTA. However, you will see on Metra that there are chatty cars and people who’ve been commuting together for years and found each other that way! I was never interested in that since it’s my gear up and gear down time!
Have you heard about how runners are more likely to share things with other runners since they’re both looking ahead and not in each others eyes? And even more if it’s dark out?
Okay, I am asking Harrison, who HATES talking to strangers, about why he hates it. He says “I guess because I don’t like having uncomfortable conversations, and if it’s a stranger, I have no idea how the conversation is going to go…the uncertainty of it. Also, it depends on what situation I’m in, but if that person doesn’t want to have a conversation and I start one, now I’ve inconvenienced that person.” He agrees that it’s not about the other person not liking them. (“It’s about *me* not liking the other person! That sounds terrible!” he adds.)
I think the article states it weirdly…could it be that people hate feeling vulnerable or uncomfortable, and meeting a stranger makes them feel that way?
I also don’t really mind talking to strangers, but I’ve also been told that I’m intimidating, so…who knows!
I’m glad you enjoyed your volunteer job! That’s the best kind of volunteering!
Thanks for asking him, because I am really curious to hear why people hate it! And yeah, I think his answer is much more realistic (duh, because it’s from a real person) than what this article presumes. I bet a lot of it is us fearing we won’t like the conversation or them, or feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, or make a stranger feel that way, or annoy them.
Did people say what they found intimidating about you? Is it that you’re up front? I wonder if it’s because you ask questions. As a fellow question asker, I can see that – people sometimes don’t like it!