It’s back.
That “I don’t care about me” feeling. That “I’m just going to eat whatever I want, who cares?” feeling.
I was afraid this would happen. I mentioned before that I had no idea what changed in me to make me WANT to be healthy. And not knowing what was allowing me to finally live a healthy life scared me that it wouldn’t last.
But I do know what is making me feel this way now. No, it is not Thanksgiving, or the stress of the holidays. It is guilt.
I feel guilty for making a few decisions* lately that benefit me and not others. I feel guilty for putting myself first.
Really.
I realized this the other day. I am punishing myself for feeling guilty. Punishing myself by EATING. How do you punish yourself with food? You eat and eat until you feel so stuffed that you are uncomfortable. A lot of you may have never done that, but I bet there are a few of you out there who know what I am talking about.
I’ve only had a few incidences when I’ve felt that super uncomfortable feeling, but it’s scary.
Guilt is not the only emotion that has driven me to overeat this past week. I’ve also been bored, frustrated and uncomfortable… and eating to cover those emotions. Guilt just happens to be the big one – the overriding emotion that is making me feel super stressed out. The feeling that is always in the back of my mind.
And yeah, yeah, yeah… I am happy to have “figured out” what is causing me to feel so out of control, but that is not stopping me from feeling out of control. Or stressed out. Or anxious, all the time.
I’m just worried. Worried about giving up. Worried that I am not meant to be healthy. Even writing that now, it isn’t logical, but that is how I feel. Like I don’t deserve to be healthy, and happy and guilt-free.
*I apologize for being so vague. I want to give more details, but not right now. I already feel uncomfortable enough, writing all this!
Hey, hey, hey! Just a minute there, girly. Don’t you go confusing “model-skinny” with being healthy. You are definitely meant to be healthy! But a healthy weight is different for everyone. I deal with a guilt-complex thing too myself and it sucks but you need to separate that from the healthy thinking. To me, you actually look pretty healthy in the latest photos on your blog – happy, thin, clear skin and shiny hair, very pretty too! 🙂 I think you have some mental/emotional things to deal with maybe but we all do. So don’t let that make you feel bad or keep you from trying to achieve optimum health. You didn’t wish anything bad on anyone and nobody has control over the genes and circumstances they are dealt in life so we all just have to do the best we can for ourselves and others. There’s no need or room for guilt though. 🙂 You have been doing awesomely so I don’t expect you to give up so easily. No second guesses. Hugs to you!
OOps – as for putting yourself first – sometimes you have to do it. SOMEbody has to look out for you too and who better than you?
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, Kim. I am very sorry you feel like punishing yourself. I have a hard time putting myself first too, but it is more than okay. Heck, other people do it every day! 😉
You have not lost it forever, not at all. Right now you are just dealing with some external (and internal) forces that make it really hard. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it, just that you’re not in a place to focus on it right now.
Are you still enjoying running when you can? If so, then it’s about the food right now, but you can still hold on tight to the exercise!
I’m sending you lots of hugs. This time of year is really hard for a lot of people, whether it’s holidays or the short days or the cold.
(((hugs))) Kim! I know what you are talking about- it’s such a struggle, but don’t be so hard on yourself. Be the best you can be, but don’t change what makes you *you*!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can certainly relate. We want to punish ourselves for the emotions we are having and one way to do that is to further induce bad feeling by over eating or eating the wrong things. I struggle with this too. Sometimes I think that feeling bad feels so familiar to me that when I do feel good for a spell, I sabotage it.
I read a good book called Anxious to Please that really helped me see my patterns around pleasing others and my guilt about making choices that put me first. I highly recommend it! In fact, I think I need to re-read it.
Keep writing (even if it’s not for anyone to see) and keep working out, both things should help combat the stress. And hang in there! You’ve recognized where and why you went astray from the healthy lifestyle you aspire to, now gently guide yourself back to it.
It’s not just one straight road. There are detours and sidesteps, and they’re part of the journey too. Least that’s what I find.
teeni – Thank you so much for your kind comments, especially on my appearance in my photos. You really made me smile. I do have some mental/emotional things to deal with – especially giving myself permission to take care of myself… feeling like I deserve it. I don’t expect to be model skinny, that is for sure, but I want to not have… a roll of fat on my stomach. 😉 And I want to quit using food to punish myself. I just need to keep working on it. Getting your encouragement helps me to keep going.
diane – I think a lot of us put ourselves last, then there are the others whose actions we cannot fathom… is there no in between? I am still enjoying exercise. But I haven’t been able to. I’ve run once each week for the past two weeks. And it is making me SO SAD. Now I have an awful cold, but I plan to get on the treadmill tonight and see how far I can go feeling this sick. *Hugs* back to you.
Bethany – Thank you for your encouragement! I do like who I am. I need to focus on what I like about me, about bettering those things, rather than trying to change who I am…
sizzle – Doesn’t it seem so weird when you think about it – to further make yourself feel bad by punishing yourself more? But it is so easy to get caught-up in all that. I don’t expect to ever get away from it, but I’ve got to be able to improve on it. Somehow. The books sounds interesting! I am going to see if my library has it!
claire – Writing has helped so much. And the fact that you all still continue to comment, when I write the same thing over and over and over… makes me feel so much better. Thank you. I love the analogy, about traveling, and that it is not a straight road. Why would I expect it to be? Time to focus on the positive!
Hope you get to feeling better. Reading your blog has been keeping me motivated to make changes for my own health. You’re honest about how hard it is, I appreciate that. I’m not sure this is entirely relevant to your post but I thought you should know:)
em – Thank you so much! You saying that means a lot to me. It’s refreshing to be so honest and let it all out… until I get to thinking about it. But your encouragment makes me feel good!
i’m sending you big hugs and happy thoughts!!! i’m sorry that you’re so stressed and that you’re feeling so guilty for putting yourself first!! like teeni said, somebody has to look out for you- and if you don’t then more than likely no one else will… you have no reason to feel guilty for the decisions that you’ve made!!! (i know that doesn’t really help the guilty feelings but just know that you don’t!!!) you have to take care of you first!!! (ironically Saturday night something crazy happened & this complete stranger told me the exact same thing! i’m thinking about blogging about it)… try not to be too hard on yourself though!! you don’t deserve it!!! you are one of the most kind, thoughtful, and awesome people i have ever met!!! keep your head up sister!!!
=^..^=
p.s… while i’m writing this i’m also eating m&m chocolate chunk cookies.. it’s only my 4th one today!!!! and i’ve only been at work 2 hours!!!! help!!!! lol
CourtneyInControl – Thanks for your nice words and encouragement 🙂 I am feeling a lot better today. Probably because I was so sick yesterday (and today) that I barely have an appetite and feel like I am more in control. HEY! What is going on with you and those cookies?! 😛
Girl, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been there. I constantly punish myself by overindulging just to erradicate feelings of guilt, fear, etc. Now, I literally have to ask myself, “Am I eat this because I’m hungry for food or hungry for something else?” You will be FINE, I promise. Sometimes it’s necessary to put ourselves first and others in subsequent order. Just think how many people out there do this on a daiy basis. The fact that you feel guilty only goes to show what an amazing person you are.
You are absolutely meant to be healthy. That is your God given right, and you deserve to be as healthy as you can be. It’s up to you – a mindset, really. Being healthy isn’t equal with thinking you’re more important than others. Firstly, we should ALL put ourselves first. It’s the same as putting on our own oxygen mask on the airplane before our child’s. If we’re not alive, and healthy, we’ll be no service to them. So putting ourselves first is not only accepted in society, it’s necessary! And if we’re not for us, who will be? We gotta take care of ourselves, first and foremost. Then, and only then, will we mentally and physically able to help others. So you do what you need to do. You go for your runs when you feel like-you make that choice to be healthy.
Emma – I have found myself asking that lately too, or “what I am REALLY hungry for?” It’s so easy to punish myself. Thanks for your kind words and encouragement!
marissa – The way you put all of that makes so much sense. Who is going to watch out for me?! ONLY ME! My husband can’t even take care of me, or make these decisions, I have to commit to being healthy for ME!