It’s time for me to reread Life is Hard, Food is Easy, by Linda Spangle.
It’s also time for me to 100% honest. To let it all out.
This is going to be a long one…
Steven and I have a typical weekday routine. It’s nice for me. He gets home first and makes dinner. I get home, dinner is made, we eat. We almost immediately exercise outside, together, or move camp upstairs to use the treadmill.
Last night, Steven got home about an hour after I did. Of course, no dinner was made when I got home (Thanks a lot, Data).
I immediately started to have a weird “out-of-routine” panic. I wanted to make dinner and eat together, but I knew we would be eating too late for both of us to use the treadmill or exercise outside together.
So, what happened? I tried to busy myself by cleaning up the kitchen before preparing dinner.
But I was feeling stressed, anxious, and nervous. How I’ve felt since Sunday. There’s more bothering me than what I’ve mentioned in my lovely “Why I’m Pissed Off Today” series. I’ve been externally avoiding these things (not talking about them), while internally dwelling on them and feeding my “pissed off” mood.
I think I’ve created a self-fulfilling pissed off mood. Anyway.
It happened. Those leftover, p.o.s., “I’m too pissed off to take these ugly oatmeal raisin cookies to work” (long story) cookies were sitting on the counter, all crumbled up in a container. Stupid p.o.s. cookies.
I ate one crumble. Yum. I ate more. I kept eating. I couldn’t stop. Inside my head I was telling myself, “No! You have to eat dinner with Steven soon!” But I couldn’t stop my hand and mouth. I was just grabbing them as fast as I could and chewing them even faster.
It literally felt like something took over me.
Somehow, I stepped away, and sat down on the couch with my computer. Steven called, and I told him about it. He suggested throwing the cookies away. I did. I am thankful for that.
I still ate dinner. But I didn’t exercise. In fact, I laid in bed while Steven exercised, feeling cranky and upset. About so many things.
I tried to be reassuring. I told myself, “You only ate about 600 extra calories! You’ll be fine! No biggie! Sometimes you eat more than that at a restaurant and still lose weight!” (see how positive my self-talk can be?)
This morning, I stepped on the scale. I have a love/hate relationship with the scale. As in, I love it when the number goes down, and hate it when it stays the same or goes up.
I still weigh myself every day, to keep on track. My dream is that someday, when I am “maintaining” my weight, I will only step on that b*tch once a week. Ha.
It said I went up TWO pounds. This is illogical. I did not eat THAT much. I quickly came up with reasons in my head to defend the gain, then told myself, “STOP – STOP DOING THIS!”
Stop obsessing.
I should be proud of myself. Last weekend, I got my “Size 12” box out of my closet. It had been on a shelf since last winter. Everything fits. Everything. Shouldn’t I be proud of that? I am moving through clothing sizes so fast now (so fast, that I am wasting money when I buy new pants – they only fit for a month or so).
I was a size 18. My goal is a size 10 (maybe smaller). I’m so close. But still, I obsess.
I worry. I think about food too much. I’m afraid of food. I. Have. To. Be. In. Control.
This weekend, Steven and I are traveling to Iowa to visit my family. We even took Friday off from work. I am excited about the trip. I haven’t seen some of my family since June!
But I worry. Like I always do. I worry I won’t have a good time unless I am stuffing my face. I worry I will eat too many “bad foods.” I worry about losing self-control.
Seriously. What’s the big deal, if every once in awhile, I let things go and eat more? (A lot more)
I beat myself up about it though. Even though I am telling myself, “This isn’t a big deal, Kim! It’s just one time weekend! You eat healthy all the time! Give yourself a break, girl! You deserve it!” I still feel guilty.
I have such an unhealthy, warped relationship with food/eating.
I’m so into “self-help,” I am convinced I can “fix” myself.
I read this book the last time (sad to write that) I lost a lot of weight, and I have reread a few sections since then.
It’s funny how I only read health books/fitness magazines when I am already in the process of a healthy lifestyle. I guess when I am not following a healthy lifestyle, I just feel too hopeless to even kid myself by opening it.
Anyway. I remember that I connected with this book so much when I read it.. that it was eerie.
Of course, I always think I am the only person who has overeating/binge problems. I’m not. But I forget.
The book links certain emotions with food and recommends a 5-step plan to overcome, essentially, eating your emotions.
I’m always weary of “step” programs. But the rest of the book seems so smart – I feel like it is speaking directly to me – that I think it is time for a reread/rethink. There must be something in there to help me.
I have to share the portion of the book that really “clicks” with me. The author identifies two kinds of “hunger” that bring on the emotional eating reflex – “head hunger” and “heart hunger.”
Head Hunger begins with a specific craving for something chewy, crunchy or textured (examples – chewy: candy bars, trail mix, steak; crunchy: nuts, breakfast cereal; textured: pizza, fries). “Head hunger is usually prompted by pressure-type emotions like anger, frustration or resentment.”
Heart Hunger doesn’t bring up specific cravings. You just have to eat and begin to mindlessly search for things (this used to happen to me A LOT). You often pick something soft, smooth or creamy (examples: ice cream, cheese, chocolate, cake, mashed potatoes, ethnic foods). “Heart hunger usually creeps in gradually.” It’s fueled by subtle emotions like loneliness, boredom, fatigue, need for love, etc.
Gosh. How can a book understand me that well? Why don’t I “understand me” that well?
Seriously. Can you relate to these descriptions at all?
The book goes on with steps to deal with the emotions in other ways than eating. The method is more than just distracting yourself, if I recall correctly.
I feel hopeful just writing about it.
The funny thing is, overeating/binging hasn’t been a huge problem for me lately. But last night scared me. I used to eat like that ALL THE TIME. And I’ve mentioned that I don’t understand how my mood suddenly changed to allow me to follow a healthy lifestyle.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to stay at a healthy weight.
Right now, I’m at my “plateau” weight. The weight I always get to and stall, then regain. I was hoping to just bust right past it. But I am dwelling on it too much. I’ve got to let it go. I’ve got to give my body time.
I think the whole “Body Mass Index” (BMI) is kind of bs, but I am in the overweight category with a 28.7. I’m almost “obese.” I’d just like to get into the “normal weight” range and STAY THERE.
But you know what? That’s probably not truly “normal.” Normal for most people is probably just like me, having issues and struggling with food.
But, we try. Right?
So, I’m going to keep trying. I already feel better. Thanks for reading.
Feeling for you! It seems pointless to say “Don’t beat yourself up”. At least you have the mindset to realize where you are and have a plan to get past it. I can completely understand the disruption of your routine caused a disruption in your plan, it is hard to stay on track when things are different! I think that is part of my problem, every single day of my life is different – there are NO set routines and so I never do anything consistently! It’s a hurdle, but you can get over it!! You have AMAZING willpower and drive! Look at how far you’ve come!
I sent you something – hope it gets there before FRIDAY! 🙂
You’re doing so well and you’re such a huge inspiration! I know I don’t know you in real life, so all I know is what I read here, but I don’t often see someone unhappy with something (weight, here) do something to change it so quickly and successfully.
When I lost a lot of weight the first time I didn’t step on the scale and it was so much easier that way. As soon as I lost most of the weight that was when I started weighing and driving myself crazy watching it go back and forth. I understand the motivation of watching the scale go down, and keeping yourself in check if it goes up, but it was much, much nicer to do it without numbers that first time.
When I got back from Ohio after my grandma’s funeral, I was stuffing my face with pretzels. Isn’t that silly? But they were so comforting on so many levels, despite the fact they are more or less “Forbidden” (processed carbs).
First of all, please remove your scale before Kyra and I come over and whack you with it. 😉 Seriously, you can’t gain a lb of fat overnight. You can’t gain 2, and you certainly can’t gain 5. Usually it’s fluid retention/bloat, something that sugars and carbs do a real good job of contributing to. So let that go.
You weighed yourself after gorging on the cookies. Why? You were expecting the number to go up, weren’t you? Or hoping to reassure yourself that it didn’t? Regardless, you were using the scale to punish yourself. No more of that, okay? 🙂 (I did it too–sometimes it frightens me how alike we are!)
Do you have days you set aside for treats? You should, because as you and I both know, you can’t restrict yourself all day all the time. It’s not fair to you.
But, at the same time, I know how that little nibble snowballs. Yes, I most certainly do. And you must forgive yourself when it happens. Structure, routine…all very, very good for weight loss. But they get disrupted, it happens. I ate crap the whole week I was in California and didn’t exercise once, but you know what? I still kept losing weight. It’s about the big picture, not the details.
You’re smart, and you know exactly what you’re doing, which puts you in a better place than most of the population. You will be fine. Trust in that. 🙂 Don’t let the numbers start to bully you!
I usually have to resort to throwing sweets out or giving them away because when I am in a mood or upset, I will unwittingly shove them in my mouth and then feel incredibly guilty after. Horrible cycle.
The best you can do is be aware and try better next time. Don’t beat yourself up. There’s always tomorrow and you know what? You’re making great progress!
I am a size 18 but was once a size 9. I’d prefer to be a size 14 or 12 just for the sake of more energy, more clothing options and hopefully, less body hatred. You’re totally inspiring!
Kim i just wish I had your power over mind when it comes to eating in general. With your moms cooking and grandmas I know how u feel when it comes to coming home and gaining weight. That would prob. be why I can’t lose any :). As of right now I don’t mind. Get back to me in a bout a month or so. Can’t wait to see your skinny ass :).
Kim, Weight Watchers states that ” it’s a lifestyle change”. You have already committed to changing your lifestyle. You are on the right track! Don’t sabotage yourself by feeling guilty over cookie crumbs. The “Plateau” is a really hard place to be(I know, I’ve been there many times). Along with the fact that you are upset with the people that are demanding time you don’t feel the need to give. Don’t give in to the emotions of those two things. RELAX on beating yourself up and don’t weigh yourself EVERYDAY. Seriously. I had a friend that did that and became very OBSESSED with the scale. The scale will derail what you are trying to accomplish. Only weigh yourself 2 times per week. Also, depending on “the time of the month” your weight will go up and down for seemingly no reason. Which is very maddening. Next, I would cut these people loose and stop fighting with them in your head, it’s counter productive. You HAVE made the commitment to exercise. You ran a 5K, girl! That is a pretty big accomplishment. You haven’t given up, yeah, you hit a bump or 2 along the way, you are doing great getting closer to your goal. CONGRATS, BTW on getting to size 12!!!
I am an emotional eater also, so I know first hand what emotions can do for your healthy lifestyle. Last, don’t deny yourself indulges, but eat smaller portions. Denial sometimes works out for the worst, you ending up gorging, because you denied yourself something. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK AND DON’T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. 🙂
I feel your pain. I lost 35 pounds (yes, I’m very thankful for that) but I hit that plateau and no matter what, I can’t drop any more. Perhaps it’s the Tuesday night self-made, mexican-style, homemade cheese dip with jalepenos. Nah. Seriously, though, I catch myself more and more just wanting to crunch/eat things as soon as the TV comes on. Since I watch too much TV and don’t exercise (YES, there’s another HUGE weakness with me), primetime TV is killing me. Wonder if I can sue TiVo…
Hi. I’ve been lurking for a while, reading, and finally feel drawn to comment.
I started as a size 22. I’m fitting into 16’s now. My goal is a ten or so. I struggle with self-sabotage, both with the stress induced eating itself and then the emotional aftermath when I realize what I’ve done. You’re an inspiration. It gives me hope that people are succeeding, which is exactly what you are doing!
Check out this flickr set of illustrated BMI’s. It becomes apparent really fast that various BMI sit different on every body. 🙂
kim, hang in there! Like someone mentioned above: what you’re doing is changing your lifestyle,,, and it’s working, by the change in clothes size says, right? Don’t beat yourself up so much. You’ve achieved so much. Focus on the positives. Don’t live in fear of relapsing, instead, stop and smell the flowers, be thankful of what you’ve achieved so far, and let the positivity help you along the path you want.
I’ll send positive thoughts your way.
Lots of good comments here! I have some, too, and will be back in a bit. Damn job!!!
I think you have the right attitude towards the end of the post. You first need to feel like you CAN do it in order to actually do it. Stay positive. Write positive affirmations, whatever it takes. You can do it and we are here to help. I have those same “cleaning the kitchen” panic-type attacks before dinner when I know I’m behind and that we should have been eating earlier. And I also pick at the food while I’m cooking sometimes. That isn’t good. But I am resolved to start sleeping better, eating smaller meals more often, and exercising more. I WILL lose the weight I want to lose regardless of thyroid issues and I’m starting now.
um, can i say how impressed i am that you have dropped FOUR SIZES?! that’s insane. i’m lucky that genetics + metabolism dealt me a generous hand, but when i stop working out/ eat too much crap and notice a change, it is VERY HARD just to get rid of like 10 lbs. i am SO impressed that you’ve had so much success.
i think it’s fantastic that you have a plan. that’s usually my hang up when i get all moody and frustrated about something – i can’t focus enough to actually think of a concrete way to get myself out of the funk, and to move forward positively. sounds like you’re well on your way – i think the rest will follow more easily now 🙂
I think the BMI is bull. If you have muscles it is off, if you are built differently it can be off. I think you have been doing awesome at changing your health, and I know you are going to be right back on track now. One mess up (or whatever you want to call it) doesn’t equal a failure!
I can relate to the comfort food a little bit, but I sort of do the opposite and don’t eat when I am stressed. The more secure I feel with everything, the more I weigh. Which is the opposite of most everyone I know.
I hear you. I also have an issue with food. I equate food with happiness, love & comfort. I have to work really hard not to over-eat when I am lonely, sad, bored, afraid, etc. If I didn’t exercise, I would be huge, because I am constantly eating everything in sight!! I think it’s a constant struggle, and you’re doing exactly what you should be doing: understanding the underlying factors and emotions and thought processes that go into it. Once you get that, than you truly have control of the situation. Just try as hard as you can to enjoy your upcoming vacation. Eat what you want, and just try to exercise too. I know that is so much easier said than done, but you really ARE doing an incredible job.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
wow this hits close to home. so close that i feel like i can’t comment in fear of feeding (no pun intented) you the same lines of bullshit i feed my myself on a daily basis. Losing weight is a constant struggle for me. Sometimes I have such good self control and then it usually fades away. I really liked what Diane had to say. I weight myself everyday and have to stop myself from literally throwing that scale around like a rag doll on most days.
I just wish you luck, peace and most of all – success.
I think sometimes, in our pursuit of what we want, we sometimes like to explore options that we think we can control. Dabble back into for a bit to see where we are in our progress, but then having that “mad money” moment. I personally think it’s healthy, so long as it doesn’t become a daily routine again. Changing one’s routine or habit takes times and requires patience and some short periods of “regress” (if we can even call it that). Your progress so far has been awesome and I think whatever happened is what I explained above… just a short step into the past. It’s all future ahead from here.
Speaking of cookies, those stupid (but wonderful) Circus Animal cookies have not helped me this week. Regardless, I’ve been good in the beginning of my program (which I will begin a regular blog post next week).
i haven’t been able to comment on this post until now because it really hit way too close to home for me… i mentioned in my last comment that david and i had a “serious” talk about our weight last night since we’re both so unhappy… (at dinner) when david and i were having our “talk” i was telling him about you and how you made me want to do what you’re doing… thank you for being an inspiration and being so honest, you have no idea how much it helps!!
like you, i have issues with food and am horrible about telling myself, only one more “bad” meal, i’ll start next meal or tomorrow… (that would be why the snail ticker on my blog hasn’t moved- i refuse to let it go the other way- and it has been!!)
the comments left are so awesome- it’s amazing how much better the comments can make you feel!!! i am so proud of you!!! you are doing a phenomenal job!!!
=^..^=
I bought that book and got it in the mail yesterday (thanks for pointing it out, sounds like a good read). Along with 100 days of Weight loss her companion book. I will let you know what I think!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of your thoughtful responses. You’ve given me so much support, inspiration and great advice. I am responding to all of these comments in emails.
Better late than never, eh?
I just wanted to share a few things that are helping me in my weight-loss efforts. First, you have to realize that no one EVER follows a self-improvement program without occasional slips. Regardless of the regimen, everyone has times when they need a break from the routine. Heck, we do even when we AREN’T following a program! The key, so I’m learning, is to not let an occasional lapse become your reason for giving up. Don’t judge yourself by your actions 5% of time – judge by the other 95%! It’s great, however, that you recognized the lapse as emotional eating, triggered by something other than hunger. That helps you learn what your triggers are, and how to defuse them (that book sounds like a great tool!). And always, always get right back into routine as quickly as possible. It’s comforting and reassuring as well as healthy to remind yourself how strong you really are.
Second, next time you’re craving sweets, try eating a dill pickle. It’s a bizarre trick that seems to actually work! For some reason, the crunchy tartness takes away the desire for gooey sweetness. The other thing that helps me is eating 4 or 5 olives. I don’t know, maybe it’s me, but by the time I’ve eaten the olives the cheating urge has greatly lessened. And when I’m craving chips I eat a few radishes. Of course, those things are permissible on Medifast; I don’t know about your program.
My third tip was already suggested by Diane: Budget in some treats on a regular basis. Obviously, you’re not going to go hogwild, but a small portion once or twice a week is not going to derail your progress. It WILL derail the feelings of deprivation that turn into cravings that turn into binges. Weight Watchers has some wonderful desserts in their frozen line, and they come packaged in twos – one for you, one for Steven! Or search online for treat recipes that work with your particular program. I’m grateful every day for Medifast’s yummy chocolate-peanut butter bars.
Hope some of these help …
SJ – Thank you for taking the time and thought to leave this comment 🙂
I am going to try to follow your 95/5 rule. Because I AM doing so well 95% of the time. I need to learn to allow myself the occasional slip-up or even, treat! It’s so silly to expect myself to be perfect all of the time, when I allow others to make mistakes. We all make mistakes!
I am going to try the dill pickle trick! 🙂
I think I kind of have a treat day – we usually eat one “unheathly” meal out on the weekends. Yesterday, it was the chilis rellenos at my favorite mexican place. But you know what? I only ate one, and we didn’t even order chips! It is crazy how much less we eat now, even when we are eating “unhealthy.” Now I just need to figure out how to bake the things I like in very small portions so I don’t go overboard. I haven’t had too much of a problem with it, except the problem I mentioned in this post.
Thanks again for your input! I feel like you, and Hilly, and me (and my friend CourtneyInControl) are all in on this weight loss together!