So I always thought the phrase was “a burden shared is a burden carried,” or “lifted” or something like that.

And I was all WhAt ThE fUcK iS wRoNg wItH mE that I don’t want to share my burdens (outside of a few people & my therapist)?!

But when I googled that phrase this morning to get it right and lament over the fact that I am broken, I saw this phrase:

A burden shared is a burden halved or doubled – depending who you share it with

YES! THIS! This is it. Mostly, sharing makes things feel heavier (doubled). It’s too much to explain it all. People can’t read my mind and give me the exact response I want. Sometimes it feels like they just want goss. Or they share their burdens back. Or they say “it is what it is.” So I go through it, and share it later, when it’s over.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely broken, I just feel a little less so after reading that rando quote from the internets.

This is making me think about someone I used to work closely with, who went on medical leave, and didn’t share with us what was going on. We were curious what was going on, but understood it’s not our business. Then they died, and at their funeral, their spouse said they didn’t even know what was going on with them.

Um, whut? I promise I am not that… private? Shut off?

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In case it’s not obvious, parts of my life aren’t stable right now (says everyone), and I feel like I’m about to snap (also says everyone). Yesterday the dentist called me to cancel my appointment for next week because they’re closing their office for the day. Let’s just say… I was not my nicest self. And may have hung up on them. Without rescheduling.

They refused to clean my teeth when I was there in January. Then it was super difficult to reschedule for a month+ out, then I had to reschedule for work reasons (my fault), and this was the third attempt to go. I LOVE HAVING MY TEETH CLEANED BUT I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW WHEN I HAVE OTHER SHIT GOING ON.

It’s not a big deal. It’s a minor inconvenience. I will be calm enough to deal with it next week. But that was almost the proverbial straw.

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I’m a different version of myself. I’m changing. I don’t particularly like it.

This morning when Steven left for work I told him how excited I was for Chinese food leftovers tonight, and he lovingly teased me about how excited I get for leftovers. I whined “It’s all I have to be excited about! You haven’t taken me anywhere!”

Of course, he was like “huh?” and I was whining “We haven’t gone flying in almost two weeks!”

Folks. I hate this whiny naggy version of me. First, we are lucky to fly at all. Second, Steven has been so supportive to me. Third, we went out to dinner last week in Milwaukee. Steven often brings up date ideas and I’m too moody to contemplate leaving even though I know it would be good for me. And FOURTH! (sarcasm), if I learned ONE thing from that amazing For Women Only book, it’s to NEVER nag your husband, that he is doing things on his OWN schedule and if you ask him ANYTHING it shows you think he’s INCOMPETENT and DON’T LOVE HIM. Not entirely related because Steven is amazing and takes care of so much, but I had to bring that up as a tip for you other women cause I got your back and wouldn’t want you to make a silly mistake like that tee hee.

Okay but like what the fuck is wrong with me. FOR REAL. Before Steven left I apologized and said:

1. Anything I say should be fact checked*
2. If I’m moody, it’s not because of you
3. I’m super stressed out
4. I’m just a baby

Hopefully me sharing this here is embarrassing enough to remind me to think before I act that way again.

(And I told him I was going to post this and he’s like “I don’t remember you nagging this morning.” Aww.)

*This was related to me sharing information earlier in the morning that I had no idea on the validity of, and also on sharing information that is accurate one moment that may change the next