Something I think about (too) often is how I struggle to understand what someone is going through if I haven’t experienced it myself. I mean, duh, that is true for everyone.
But I will look back at how I responded to a loved one’s situation, and worry whether I was supportive enough, based on what I am feeling currently as I am going through it.
(Did that make ANY sense? There is not a lot of sense on this blog these days.)
So it’s like double pain – the pain of the thing I am going through and me beating myself up for how past Kim acted when someone else was in that situation. LOLOLOLOL.
The life of an Enneagram 2. Sigh.
The lesson is to ask. Reach out and ask. How can I support you? Do you want to be left alone? Do you want someone to listen? Do you want ideas? COMMUNICATE. Don’t assume they want what you would want. Recognize what they want may change. Respect their boundaries. Know it’s not about you if they seem distant. Etc. Etc.
Example: when my snis was looking for houses in 2014 and getting super obsessed and excited I didn’t get it! I didn’t understand that you find the house that seems perfect to you and start to imagine your life there and what a freaking letdown it is when you don’t get THE house. That it’s an emotional up and down journey. When we found our dream home in summer of 2015 then spent some time planning what it would be like to live there, I understood. And yep, felt bad I didn’t get it previously, even though I was genuinely excited when she was, and sad when she was too. (Again, welcome to my brain)
I could give more examples but it’s basically just all the hard life stuff. You don’t get it until you go through it.
Go easy on yourself. We don’t know what we don’t know until we know it (deep, huh?).
I definitely learned this when my dad died – most of my friends had not lost a parent, so people didn’t really know how to show up for me, or what I might need, because they had never gone through it before. I guess it bothered me at the time, but I realize people just don’t know how to deal with certain things until they’ve been there so it’s hard to fault them.
That said, when in doubt I think your approach is the right one! Reach out to your friend going through XYZ and let them know you’re there and ask how you can support them. A little communication goes a long way 🙂
Thank you for that grace <3
I was absolutely thinking about you when I posted this. I always appreciate the things you share to your stories about continuing to reach out and talk about the loved one in the days, weeks, months, years after. It was helpful to see. And you can totally feel both things - upset and understand they don't get it!
It sure does!!!!!!!!
Thanks for saying that <3 That actually is one of the reasons I've been so open about it – a lot of people have no idea what it's like or what someone might need, and I hope that it might help someone somewhere feel less alone or more supported.
You’re welcome! It is definitely helping!!!!
Good things to think about in this post! I have experienced this as well, feeling guilty about not having supported someone through something because I only fully understood what they were going through later, with more life experience. It makes me think of that quote about when you know better, you do better. And like Anne says, it’s hard to fault people when you know they can’t possibly get it. I guess we have to try to give ourselves and others grace on this?
We have to do exactly that. Just knowing I am not the only one who has felt this way helps me. And I know my true friends give me grace!
That’s how I felt when we were trying to get pregnant and struggling. Had no idea how invasive and insensitive it was to ask people if they wanted to have kids, when they were going to have kids, etc. until I realized it doesn’t always go as you’ve planned.
Also to be fair your snister gets pretty obsessive and goes overboard on a lot of things that end up not happening/completely falling off her radar, so probably best not to get too invested in her chaos. 😉
That is a great(sad) example <3 I've always appreciated families who have shared that with me so I can be more compassionate and kind when someone brings it up in the future since it's not something I understand from experience. AND WHO TF STILL ASKS THAT COME ON.
As your snister I am 1000% invested in your chaos, 100% of the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel this so much! I feel like I am not great at supporting people when they’re going through shitty circumstances, even though *I* want people to show up in a VERY SPECIFIC WAY for me, and if they don’t show up, I get very upset. SIGH. Something to talk about in therapy.
We are the same person LOL. Definitely something we need to take to therapy!
I feel this post very much. You’re not alone with these feelings.
Thank you San <3