Something I think about (too) often is how I struggle to understand what someone is going through if I haven’t experienced it myself. I mean, duh, that is true for everyone.
But I will look back at how I responded to a loved one’s situation, and worry whether I was supportive enough, based on what I am feeling currently as I am going through it.
(Did that make ANY sense? There is not a lot of sense on this blog these days.)
So it’s like double pain – the pain of the thing I am going through and me beating myself up for how past Kim acted when someone else was in that situation. LOLOLOLOL.
The life of an Enneagram 2. Sigh.
The lesson is to ask. Reach out and ask. How can I support you? Do you want to be left alone? Do you want someone to listen? Do you want ideas? COMMUNICATE. Don’t assume they want what you would want. Recognize what they want may change. Respect their boundaries. Know it’s not about you if they seem distant. Etc. Etc.
Example: when my snis was looking for houses in 2014 and getting super obsessed and excited I didn’t get it! I didn’t understand that you find the house that seems perfect to you and start to imagine your life there and what a freaking letdown it is when you don’t get THE house. That it’s an emotional up and down journey. When we found our dream home in summer of 2015 then spent some time planning what it would be like to live there, I understood. And yep, felt bad I didn’t get it previously, even though I was genuinely excited when she was, and sad when she was too. (Again, welcome to my brain)
I could give more examples but it’s basically just all the hard life stuff. You don’t get it until you go through it.
Go easy on yourself. We don’t know what we don’t know until we know it (deep, huh?).
I definitely learned this when my dad died – most of my friends had not lost a parent, so people didn’t really know how to show up for me, or what I might need, because they had never gone through it before. I guess it bothered me at the time, but I realize people just don’t know how to deal with certain things until they’ve been there so it’s hard to fault them.
That said, when in doubt I think your approach is the right one! Reach out to your friend going through XYZ and let them know you’re there and ask how you can support them. A little communication goes a long way 🙂
Thank you for that grace <3
I was absolutely thinking about you when I posted this. I always appreciate the things you share to your stories about continuing to reach out and talk about the loved one in the days, weeks, months, years after. It was helpful to see. And you can totally feel both things - upset and understand they don't get it!
It sure does!!!!!!!!
Thanks for saying that <3 That actually is one of the reasons I've been so open about it – a lot of people have no idea what it's like or what someone might need, and I hope that it might help someone somewhere feel less alone or more supported.
You’re welcome! It is definitely helping!!!!