Even though I know it’s good for me and my mental health, setting boundaries makes me feel like such a jerk.
For example, earlier this week I saw that someone I’m not close with on Instagram sent me a minute long voice memo after trying to call me. It’s only a minute, but I barely want to listen to voice memos from my close loved ones, so I didn’t listen to it. (And I definitely don’t want to take random unplanned calls on Instagram.)
The next day, they DM’d me saying they hoped they didn’t offend me (with the content of the memo?). I guess they were wondering why I never responded. I don’t know what they were talking about since I didn’t listen to it, and basically said that -“you didn’t offend me, I didn’t listen to it.” Then I told them I’m limiting my time on social media and I don’t listen to voice memos or watch reels that (rando) people send me (I watch them if they are reels from a close friend or my snis).
And I felt like such a jerk.*
But I also felt relief in putting that out there. That’s the first time I’ve said a boundary out loud. Most of them are just boundaries I’ve created for myself and haven’t told the other party about, for example:
- keeping certain relationships on a superficial level because the other person doesn’t provide the support/response I need
- not spending time with toxic people
- limiting time with draining people
- not going to an event because someone else thinks I should
I didn’t even realize those were boundaries until I started therapy this year. I was telling my therapist about the first item, and how I feel bad not sharing things with someone because of their toxic positivity and not getting what I need out of sharing them. I felt like a jerk for withholding. And my therapist said “you aren’t a jerk; you’re setting a boundary.”
Hmm. I never thought about it that way! It’s true. I still hate it – I want to be 100% genuinely myself all the time and hate when I can’t be (and that boundary makes me feel that way) – but it’s true.
*And I acknowledge that I was way more available to people (and responsive) in the past than I am now, so that’s confusing for them
Bravo! What your therapist said, you’re not a jerk, and hopefully. you will have fewer minute long voice memos to listen to in your future;-)
Thank you! I appreciate the validation!!!
I can really relate to this post! Learning to set boundaries is such an important life skill that a lot of us never learned…and when we do set a boundary, it makes us feel guilty. But I think we can get better at this with practice! Good for you for working on this with the support of your therapist 🙂
That is such a good point that a lot of us did not learn it. I wonder who has? Certain cultures? Certain regions of the US? Hmmm. And we can definitely get better! Thank you!
Setting boundaries is difficult and I’m glad you’re starting to do so! You should always do what is best for you and not just please others. It feels strange at the beginning but it will get better the more often you do so. And honestly: if someone doesn’t accept you’re setting a boundary it‘s not worth spending your time with them anyway. Big hug!
Thank you! You are so right on ALL accounts! Especially if they don’t accept it them not being for me! <3
I think setting boundaries gets easier as you do it more often, but I totally know this feeling! It’s HARD to do after you’ve spent most of your life not having any boundaries (at least, that’s my experience).
I will say it’s a lot easier for me to set boundaries at work (IDGAF who I offend there) or in newer relationships. As you noted, it can be hard to suddenly establish boundaries in situations where you didn’t have them previously. My brother encouraged me to start setting some boundaries with how much I help our mom last year, and I felt like a huge a-hole for doing that (and I feel like I probably sound like a jerk for saying I can’t help my elderly mom “too much”), but he could see I was going to totally burn myself out so I’m really glad he got me into that habit.
Yeah, that is my experience too. My only boundary was saying no to events I didn’t want to go to, but I realized I was still doing a lot I didn’t want to. Oops.
I am glad he encouraged you and you don’t sound like a jerk at all! You have to know how much you can give someone and I am glad you’re figuring that out with her!
Setting boundaries is so hard, especially if you have people-pleaser tendencies. We are just so used to always saying yes and always doing for others, and the people in our lives have come to depend on the idea that we are boundary-less! So when you start setting those boundaries, it can feel very scary. (What if I upset them? What if they don’t like me anymore?) But it’s ultimately SO good for your own mental health and those who truly care about YOU will respect your boundaries.
I have limited energy myself so setting boundaries has become my superpower, haha. I have HAD to get good at it because I need oodles and oodles of alone time to recharge. It’s not aways fun and I do have tons of FOMO because of it, but I’ve learned what I need and I try my best to show up for myself first and foremost.
Proud of you!
Thank you for the reminder that the people who care about me will respect them and realize they are truly about me, not them at all. Like the person who sent me the audio clip – I like them – I just don’t want to take the time to listen to almost anyone’s audio clip. It’s not you! (LOL, on that note, one friend has requested our friend group do Marco Polo and it’s a struggle for me – just telling you cause I know you use and love it! I have found the best time to listen to them is when I am driving).
I love that you call it a superpower. It so is! And love that you are doing something hard that makes you feel better. Proud of you too.
Thank you!
I would like to say that I can’t relate, but I relate to this so much…. I often let people blow through my boundaries, because I don’t want *them* to be uncomfortable, but I accept for myself to be uncomfortable. Why is that?
I am so glad your therapist pointed out that you’re setting boundaries. It puts the whole thing into a different perspective, because we all know that boundaries are good. On a theoretical level, I totally get it, too, but it’s hard to implement if you’re not naturally wired this way. Good for you for practicing! 🙂
Right! It’s almost like *gasp* we were taught that we should be uncomfortable to make others comfortable!
It really did! I brought that up with her again yesterday and told her about this boundary. And thank you!