Even though I know it’s good for me and my mental health, setting boundaries makes me feel like such a jerk.

For example, earlier this week I saw that someone I’m not close with on Instagram sent me a minute long voice memo after trying to call me. It’s only a minute, but I barely want to listen to voice memos from my close loved ones, so I didn’t listen to it. (And I definitely don’t want to take random unplanned calls on Instagram.)

The next day, they DM’d me saying they hoped they didn’t offend me (with the content of the memo?). I guess they were wondering why I never responded. I don’t know what they were talking about since I didn’t listen to it, and basically said that -“you didn’t offend me, I didn’t listen to it.” Then I told them I’m limiting my time on social media and I don’t listen to voice memos or watch reels that (rando) people send me (I watch them if they are reels from a close friend or my snis).

And I felt like such a jerk.*

But I also felt relief in putting that out there. That’s the first time I’ve said a boundary out loud. Most of them are just boundaries I’ve created for myself and haven’t told the other party about, for example:

  • keeping certain relationships on a superficial level because the other person doesn’t provide the support/response I need
  • not spending time with toxic people
  • limiting time with draining people
  • not going to an event because someone else thinks I should

I didn’t even realize those were boundaries until I started therapy this year. I was telling my therapist about the first item, and how I feel bad not sharing things with someone because of their toxic positivity and not getting what I need out of sharing them. I felt like a jerk for withholding. And my therapist said “you aren’t a jerk; you’re setting a boundary.”

Hmm. I never thought about it that way! It’s true. I still hate it – I want to be 100% genuinely myself all the time and hate when I can’t be (and that boundary makes me feel that way) – but it’s true.

*And I acknowledge that I was way more available to people (and responsive) in the past than I am now, so that’s confusing for them