I have two separate thoughts that feel connected floating around in my brain – let’s see if I can connect them here.
Yesterday I read the Shape.com article, “How to Deal with the Changing Landscape of Your Friendships” (pdf here), and found it surprisingly useful. I expect every article I click on online to be fluffy link-filled clickbait, and while this was link filled, it actually gave useful advice. Shocker!
A little background – I didn’t have close girlfriends until after college, so when I found them, it was this AMAZING thing that opened up my world. And then, things changed and we naturally drifted apart but I did NOT understand why. How could someone I was thatclose (<— intentional) with, who helped me through so much, and shared so many fun times together, no longer be that person in my life?! I felt guilty, even though it’s completely natural to drift apart, which the article calls the “friendship curve,” and says that all friendships go through cycles, and that one study says people replace half of their close friends every seven years!
It seems like the most common reason friendships fizzle out is that the thing that kept the people coming together ends – school, work, living in the same town, being in the same club, etc. There was a consistency of gathering, and it’s gone. The relationship needs to be tended to after that – it won’t run on autopilot, even though it seems like it could, because there was such a strong bond. But the consistency of getting together for whatever thing is what kept that bond going. (And the article doesn’t say this, but I think that consistency could be in real life or virtual.)
So their advice on dealing with losing with friends is basically to be grateful for and reflect on what the friendship gave you (which has helped me!). But what I want to talk about is the tips they give for keeping a relationship going or rekindling one:
- Spend consistent time together (in real life or virtual)
- Be positive – spend time together without judgement and distraction
- Be vulnerable – be able to be vulnerable with your friends, again, without judgement
I feel seen by this article:
The biggest mistake you can make with building and maintaining friendships is reading between the lines too much (raises hand). “Where most of our friendships die is that we take it personally [that the other person] is not doing the inviting,” says Nelson. “We start fearing they don’t like us as much as we like them—but the fact is most people aren’t good at initiating, and most people aren’t aware of how important consistency is.” There’s no doubt it gets annoying (and exhausting) to be the friend who’s always trying to make the plans, but know that the more you do it, the stronger and more positive the relationship will be—as long as they keep saying yes. Over time, the question should become not who initiated it, but if you’re both finding your time together meaningful, says Nelson.
That is 100% me, feeling frustrated to be initiating most of the time (I never feel like it’s because people don’t like me though, ha). And I have not been mature enough to get past it and just focus on if the time together is meaningful. I’m mostly like, “forget it,” and stop reaching out. Sigh. Not sure I will change anytime soon.
But I 100% agree that consistency in communication and/or time spent together is crucial. The relationships I have that are the strongest are because of that. We either have daily texts or hangouts, or weekly emails. It takes work to keep the communication up, but it’s worth it – your bond is stronger when you consistently communicate.
So what’s the other thought I am trying to connect this to? I’ve been thinking about how so many people who didn’t work at home before are now starting to because of COVID-19. Ha, I’ve already seen some bloggers with “how to” posts about working from home.
I’ve been working at home regularly for many years, but I won’t write a how to here – just do your job. But I will share my biggest challenge working at home, which is loneliness and lack of connection. It’s very easy to isolate yourself when you work at home – from leaving the house at all, and from talking to your coworkers. Being on conference calls all day doesn’t cut it! That’s work. That’s exhausting. What’s missing is the random conversation you have with a coworker you ran in to in the hallway, or the gossip session you always have with the coworker who sits next to you, or the lunch date you schedule with a friend.
Apollo keeps me company and joins many of my phone calls, but it’s just not the same. (Sorry, buddy)
Regularly scheduled interactions outside of work, like teaching strength class, help me be social, but who knows how much longer we’re all going to be going to many things outside of the house.
The tip in this article, to be purposeful about consistency in communication, can be helpful in this situation too. I purposefully reach out to coworkers each day to talk about non-work stuff to feel connected and keep myself sane. I try to reach out to friends* each day too.
I keep seeing those funny memes going around saying introverts having been training for a quarantine/not leaving their house all their lives, but I start to lose it after a few days at home not connecting with people!
*Isn’t it interesting how some families don’t have consistency of communication? And then you spend time together and everything is all normal, but then go back to living your life barely talking to your family? I’m someone who doesn’t do well with friendships set up on family communication styles like that. I definitely need the consistency.
This is so interesting to me. I feel badly that I am no longer friends, or at least close friends, with most of the people I was closest to in my early 20’s. But this article made me feel like this is normal and not just that I’m a bad friend! I feel like I have the fewest close friends right now that I’ve had at any point in my life, but that those friendships I do have are very meaningful. It also made me feel better about feeling like I am always the one initiating plans. It doesn’t mean people dont want to hang out with me, just that it isn’t their personality to be the initiator, or they are super busy, or some other reason.
I’m glad you found it interesting and that it made you feel normal and better about those things! I think it’s more unusual than normal to have those life long friends, or even friends you had when you were in your 20s!!! My 20s was when I was learning about making friends and made a lot, but like you, have less friends and more meaningful connections now. <3
I'd really love to see more on why people rely on others to be the initiator. But I was thinking about something similar last night - that I initiate and lead so much, that when someone else does, I really enjoy sitting back and letting THEM do it. So I wonder if those people wonder why I am not doing more? HA!
As someone who has a really hard time initiating contact, I really responded to that article! It’s not that I don’t WANT to hang out with people, it’s just really difficult for me to initiate. However, I also understand how tiring it is to be the person ALWAYS making plans so I am trying to get better at it.
I’m an introvert but too much alone time makes me really crabby, lol. I like being able to go to an office job regularly and have people to chat with about random stuff! (But I also love working from home and not having to deal with people! Ha. There’s a fine balance.)
Thought-provoking post!
I am glad you commented, because I need to be patient and understand that people want to initiate but it’s difficult for them. And we’ve talked about this before, so I should remember!!!
There is SUCH a fine balance between office time and work at home time! I love my one day in the office, and could probably do two (but the commute would kill me – four hours each day), but also need quiet time to focus and get work done. I hate it when I have a super busy day in the office and don’t get to be (fun) social – that is what I like about going in!
Sometimes I look back at people who I used to be so close with, with whom our lives intertwined, and feel bad that it’s no longer that way…but life circumstances change – for example, when my kids were little I was friends with a lot of their parents but as they got older and didn’t need us in their lives as much, we drifted apart. I still have several long-term good friends but you are correct, those relationships do take effort to maintain, which is something to remember. I think the best thing is to not feel bad about drifting apart from friends – the ones who matter the most will always be there, even if you don’t see them very often.
It’s so hard not to feel bad, when it’s not purposeful (ha, and you usually feel bad when it is purposeful) – when it’s just that circumstantial drift. When it just is what it is. And I bet those people would actually still be there for you if you don’t talk to them anymore, it just feels so weird to go from being so connected, to not! But you are right, it doesn’t help to dwell on it or feel bad!
Very interesting article! Thanks for sharing. I agree with much of what they said – just given my experience over the years with how friendships drift and change, it is true that when circumstances mean that you don’t see each other any more or have a certain activity or interest in common, it is difficult to maintain the friendship and you have to either make a real effort or be okay with letting it fade away. As far as reading between the lines too much, to me this = taking things too personally! I really have to be aware of this tendency in myself and regularly remind myself that in most cases, it’s not about me, it’s about what’s going on with them, and that I should not try to mind read.
Gah, yeah, most people are so caught up in their own stuff, it’s never about us/me! I agree! I’ve also been reminding myself that people have different communication styles and love languages. I can’t expect everyone to act the same way! That is ridiculous!
It sucks to drift apart from close friends, but over the years I’,be learned that’s just life. I had some very close friends in my life in my early 20’s that I couldn’t have imagined ever NOT being in my life at that time, but our lives are so different now and we mostly just keep up with each other on social media. After moving around a lot and experiencing this several times over, I’m just grateful for the friendships that I do have. There’s a lot of people here that I’m close to because we see each other every day, but in the back of my mind I know that the majority are friendships in a vacuum, and just appreciate it for what it is while I have it.
That family-type relationship of not keeping in touch regularly and being okay with it works for me, especially since I am generally pretty bad at keeping in touch with people I don’t see often. My high school friends back in my hometown are like that, and I have a friend in Chicago that I’ve seen maybe once a year since we stopped working together in 2005. These friends and I rarely talk, but I still consider them close friends. When we do get a chance to catch up we have a blast and no one takes it personally that we’re not in better contact. It just is what it is sometimes. I know that doesn’t work for everyone, but I guess I’d rather appreciate even that kind of bond than feel frustrated or resentful.
I’m really glad you commented because as someone who has moved a lot, you have a ton of experience with this! And it’s so smart to just appreciate things for what they are now, knowing anything could change. I am trying to get better at that!!! 🙂
I also need to get better at not being resentful about the family-type relationships with friends (and family). I really struggle with reaching out to people and getting no response back, even though we have a great time together when we hang out. It makes me feel so crappy, even though, like Amy said above, it’s not about me. I’ve really been trying to be less of a child about this, but I am struggling.