Steven and I were discussing the “smile” scene (when a random man tells Carol Danvers to smile) in Captain Marvel after seeing it last night, and it made me think about how I know several women who have been asked “why don’t you smile more?” or been told “smile for me,” but that it’s never personally happened to me. Which surprises me, because I have major RBF.
Then today, at work, something similar happened. I was scrolling through my phone while heating up lunch and someone came in to use the fridge and said to me “Don’t look so serious.”
My first thought was “WTF, Steven and I just talked about this.” My second thought was “WTF, I am just trying to zone out and play on my phone while my lunch heats up.” I’d been in meetings all morning and wanted a short break.
So I told them “I’m decompressing while I heat up my lunch.” And their response was “For me, decompressing would involve golf clubs on the green on a warm day.” Okay then. I said “I hope you get to do that soon!” and they left.
My first thought was not “this person is sexist,” but “this person does not know how to make appropriate small talk in the pantry.”
Pantry small talk rules:
- Don’t comment on what someone is eating or drinking, unless it’s to say “that looks/smells good.”
- Don’t jump in to a work conversation with someone who is preparing food. Ask if it’s a good time to talk about it.
- Don’t comment on someone’s facial expressions.
- Don’t talk about religion or politics.
- If you don’t know what to say, say “hi,” or “hi, how are you?”
(MOST). PEOPLE. SUCK. AT. SMALL. TALK.
Of course, something in this person’s upbringing makes them think it’s okay to say to me, and I don’t know if they’d say the same thing to a man. I don’t actually know this person well, which makes them saying this to me even weirder. Again, see rules above, just say hello.
But whatever their reason for saying it, it’s annoying to be zoning out and have someone greet you by commenting on your facial expression. What a useless encounter. Unless you know someone well, maybe don’t comment on their “resting” face.
Lately, I’ve become much more aware of sexist things people do and say. Don’t know what it’s “lately” but that’s not the point. I had to tell my coach at CrossFit to please refrain from using “Ladies” as a derogatory term when referring to the the men in the class. ie, “Let’s move it, Ladies”. Seriously, in this day and age, I can’t believe men still think it’s ok to talk like this. He said it again today, but only to tease me.
I told him to stop being a neanderthal.
That dude’s comment to you was wrong in so many ways; for all of the ways you mentioned above. Does he even know you? I understand if you want to engage with someone in a shared space, but mention the beautiful weather today, or ask what you’re heating up or something totally innocuous like that. I’m not sure I would have been as kind as you were. I’m sure he meant well, but this would have been a teaching moment. LOL
I hope he stops saying it around you, period! Maybe he can replace “ladies” with “people.”
They don’t know me, I don’t know them, or even remember their name. And they probably didn’t mean well. I think they were just being an ass. It’s not worth my effort to try to influence that!
I’ve gotten the “smile” command most of my life so I must have had major RBF from an early age. I hated it back then without knowing why, except that it was freaking annoying. I agree, people can be so awkward and say stuff without really hearing what they are saying; this is why I hate people (they’re the worst) (Seinfeld reference that my friends and I use quite often, LOL).
What are your go to responses, since you’ve been hearing it for so long?
Ahh, I don’t remember the reference (I’ve seen all of Seinfeld but am not a super fan), but I agree with what you’re saying! x 1000000!
Oh, was I not happy enough for you?
I’m sorry, I didn’t know your happiness depended on my smile.
Don’t tell me what to do.
Why?
OK those are all in my head because I’m pretty non-confrontational. One day I will go there and say something…heck, I’d settle for giving them a withering look!
Ha, I like those! Please start saying them!!!!
First of all, I can’t believe nobody has ever told you to smile… I’ve heard it a decent amount. None that I can think of too recently. There was a train conductor when I first started riding the train who would say it to people. He was a jovial guy but I think I’d just stare at him when he’d tell me that.
It’s true!
Ha, I am rarely smiling on the train in the morning. I am usually still waking up!
Ugh, I’ve gotten the smile thing a lot in the past too. I think I’ve perfected my RBF since I don’t get it as much now 🙂 It drives me crazy and I thinks it stems from the fact that men are expected to be serious whereas people want women to make things light hearted or happy for the world.
I work on smiling when I am concentrating (in a meeting) too, so I don’t look so grumpy. Sigh.
I think that’s what it stems from too. We are supposed to be nurturing and approachable!
Telling a woman to smile is basically saying “Since you are female, your only possible purpose is to look pretty for me, and you’re not doing that right now because you’re not smiling.” If someone tells me I should smile more, it irritates me enough to tell them they should mind their own business more.
And the “ladies” thing (in Jen’s comment above) is so insulting! It’s like the worst thing the guy can imagine ever being is female. To be so dense is astounding.
I think that is how it was meant to be used in the movie, when that line was said. (and probably most of the time irl!) That is an appropriate response 😉
It is. I didn’t even think of that since it’s something I never hear. Sigh. But I hear it all the time in movies.
I agree with your assessment of the situation: what a useless encounter. Such an unnecessary thing to say, and I cannot IMAGINE a situation where someone telling me, “Don’t be so serious,” would be met with a, “Oh my gosh, you’re right! I *do* need to change my personality!” *eye roll emoji* There are so many better ways to engage with someone! Or, better yet, not engage with them at all in this sort of situation (no reason why you need to interact, don’t have any sort of previous relationship that would require any sort of interaction) at all!
LOL your pretend response has me laughing! “Thank you good sir for pointing that out to me! I did not realize I was concentrating so much and did not mean to offend!” HAHAHHAHA, no.
Yeah, again, if you need to make small talk, just say hi. Or nod. Or ignore me, since I was obviously engrossed in my phone.
Ughhhh, yes to all of the above (and all of the comments!) I have major RBF, so I get told to smile from time to time. It’s so irritating. I think I may just start responding with, “Why?” I’d love for them to come up with a response! Why do people think it’s necessary to comment on strangers or near-strangers facial expressions?! It’s the weirdest thing.
Also yes, people are very bad at small talk, especially in work break rooms. That’s why I usually just don’t talk to people. 😉
I think you should respond that way! I would be interested to hear what people say. Most I bet, will be on auto pilot, and not thinking at all about how you are actually feeling! And yes it’s so weird to comment on THAT.
Ha! I think I need to try that. 😉
{Screams into fists} UGH. That’s all.
Exactly