I’ve been thinking a lot about Steven’s mom and the time spent in the hospital preceding her death. Honestly, my mind is quite jumbled right now. If you’ve talked to me in person lately, you may have noticed I am even more scatter-brained, random and babbly* than usual. Heck, you’ve probably noticed it on here!
I probably won’t share many of my thoughts, out of respect, but I did want you guys to know that there is still a lot on my mind, and while I am posting some light-hearted stuff here, that doesn’t always reflect how I am truly feeling. It’s just me trying to create a distraction for myself. So thanks for participating!
With that being said, one thing I do want to write about is how I tried to avoid crying throughout all of this, and how it bit me in the butt.
I arrived at the hospital in Kansas City on a Friday night (8/27) and was there until the following Saturday (9/4). I don’t want to go in to the details, but it was a roller coaster of emotions being there, hoping for the best, having doctors telling you to expect the worst, but then seeing Linda looking so peaceful, and so on. It was exhausting.
The whole time I was there, for some reason, I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. I don’t know. Did I want to be strong for the family? Does that even make sense? Maybe in a sleep-deprived, extremely sad head it does. Mind thinks if someone else looks sad or is crying, I should hold it together.
I remember I broke down in tears for the first time that Thursday, as I called my dad, then Erin. I couldn’t keep it together anymore. I went in to the lobby where I could cry by myself and let it out on the phone. Then I held it in again. Until that Saturday night when we got home, and I couldn’t sleep because I was hysterically sobbing. I called my sister that time (it was late!).
I will never be able to express how much I appreciate their support as I was letting it all out.
It happened again on Sunday a bit when I was talking to Erin again. Then again the next Monday when I was with my sister, aunt and grandma, and couldn’t make a decision about leaving my home town or driving back to Illinois. At this point, I was kind of an emotional wreck. Little things were setting me off (obviously).
Then I got it back together to head back to work and told myself, “Enough! Pull yourself together!” But why did I feel like I had to tell myself that?
So, it wasn’t until this Saturday at the service, when Linda’s cousin and her husband were playing a beautiful piano/guitar version again of “All You Need Is Love,” that the water works started a bit again. How does music do that?! How does music make us feel so emotional?
As I listened to the Beatles song, I sat there thinking about how much fun we had had with Steven’s family playing Beatles Rock Band this past holiday season. Everyone was resistant to play at first, but once we started, they really got in to it. We probably played for a good hour or two, each of us taking turns at the instruments. I remember Linda particularly liked the guitar and singing. I remember having an absolute blast. I felt sad at the funeral we would not be able to do that again.
Jeez, think we have enough house plants?!
Oh look, a video of my awful singing!
But I’m really happy I have that memory.
So, I say not trying to cry bit me in the butt because when I did, I just felt so deeply sad and the tears were (sometimes) somewhat out of control. And made me feel worse. I am sure there will be more to come, as certain feelings or memories arise.
Has anyone else ever tried to hold back tears? Why do you think you did?
Thanks for reading!
*My made up adjective for “babbling” and “babble.”
I’m not sure that holding back the tears is necessarily a bad thing. You were assessing the situation which was that a family member died and you didn’t want to call attention to yourself unnecessarily when everybody was figuring out how to deal with what happened for themselves. You didn’t want them worrying about you when they all had their own emotions to work out. But you were able to let it out to your parents and sister because they are removed enough from the situation that, while still caring and feeling emotional, they could be there to take care of you. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I think this is also why it takes some people a couple days for a death or other strongly emotional event to “hit them,” as it were. They might be letting everyone else deal with what happened and then they let it out at a time when people have figured out how to cope and then can help them do the same. In a sense, it’s like waiting your turn in line. Am I making sense or is this all gibberish?
No, that actually totally makes sense! Thanks for sharing your thought. I hadn’t thought about it that way, especially about how death usually “hits you” later.
I think sometimes people feel the need to stay strong for the rest of the family- and that’s why tears are sometimes held back. But I don’t know if that’s always the best. I’m personally one to not get overly emotional in such situations. It’s not that I’m not upset, I just don’t cry often. Which is something I don’t really like- because it tends to build and then I hit a tipping point with something so random and silly, but will completely lose it. I wish sometimes I’d be a little more balanced with such things.
I wish you and your family the best. I’m sorry that it’s been such a hard couple of weeks for you.
I do that too – hit a tipping point and something silly does it! 🙂
Thanks Amy 🙂
I think I just try to hold back tears in front of people because I actually do want a “good”, long cry and a lot of people I know think their job is to help me stop crying. I remember when I was in my sophomore year of high school and driving home from school, my mom called me to tell me that one of my best friends had died (she had lifetime struggles with dwarfism and other stuff, but she had survived for so long that it was still a huge shock to me). I immediately turned off onto a side road, parked my car and just let it all out… although it might have included some yelling as well as crying. Thinking back on it I’m lucky no neighbors came out to see what was going on.
Anyway, long answer to say I do hold back tears, but only because when they come they are violent and I like crying alone. I am glad you were able to call close loved ones though.
I can completely understand this. I’m the type of person who doesn’t want to cry under basically any circumstance. I think for me it boils down to showing weakness – I’m a very stubborn person in not wanting help from anyone most of the time. (“I can DO it, leave me alone!”) But of course that all turned on it’s head when I had everything hit me this summer. I cried nonstop for a few days and it really made everything better. And yes, there are still those random things that seem to have no connection at all, and they just set me off. Pert of being human I suppose.
I completely understand. I do the same thing. I think it is because I feel like I should be the strong one and let other people cry. That makes no sense at all rationally, but for some reason I don’t like to let other people know I have emotions or something? I mean obviously it is fine to cry when something sad happens so I don’t know why I feel like I shouldn’t.
I am so sorry for your loss, I think about you every day and wonder how you are all doing. If there is anything I can do, please let me know!
I think that is kind of my thought process too!
Thanks 🙂
I often try to hold back the floodgates, mostly because once I start, I can no longer reign it in. And I HATE reducing myself to a crumpled blubbering mess in front of people. Not sure why it bothers me, but there it is.
Be kind to yourself – grief comes in waves, is triggered by the strangest things, and affects each of us differently. I wish you and Steven peace…
I try to hold back tears at particularly frustrating situations. I don’t wnat to let my emotions take over.
Hoover, sometimes it can get the best of yoiu.
I am glad that you have fond memories and photos, it will bring back happier times amidst the sadness.
Let me know i fyou need anything!!
You know, I think each person handles stress and sadness and loss differently. For some people, it’s easier to let it all out, to release oneself of the emotions and feelings and pain. For others, they prefer to do so in private without eliciting reactions from those around them. I think the key is giving yourself the time and space (wherever that may be) to grieve, which it seems you were able to do.
PS – We had my dad read the lyrics to All You Need Is Love at our wedding and it definitely turned on my water works … and that was a happy occasion!
I hate crying. HATE IT. I hate the way it makes me feel, all stuffed up and icky throat afterwards. I hate dealing with tears and having to blow my nose. I hate the way it makes me look with huge puffy eyes, big Rudolph nose, and snot running down my face. It’s not fun and I don’t feel better afterwards. I try to avoid it but it’s not always possible.
Happy memories make things so much better! I am glad that you have that great memory and shared that with us. 🙂
That is part of the reason I avoid it too. It just makes me feel SO AWFUL! 🙂
I have this feeling that we are conditioned not to show emotion. Men are supposed to “man up” and women are shamed for being “too emotional” and so we try to hold it in. It’s not NATURAL for us to do that. I don’t understand. It’s like we have to be embarassed to feel such deep emotion. But that’s society. That’s not reality. In my family, we were taught to just deal with things. Well – that doesn’t work for me. It caused some serious mental and emotional issues for me later on. What I’ve discovered this late in life is that I DO feel things strongly and the most important thing I can do is to embrace that and feel all my emotions instead of trying to make them go away. Sure, it makes other people uncomfortable at times because they’re not used to it, but it’s what I have to do for myself. So cry away, my friend. Cry. It’s what your body wants for you to do.
Thanks for your support k8 🙂
I think when you’re a people-please or have anxiety about what other people think about you it’s natural to not want to cry in front of others. Perhaps you feel like you’re forcing them to deal with you and your issues or you’re just worried that they’ll think less of you. Most people get uncomfortable when they see someone crying and I think we’re conditioned to not want to make people feel uncomfortable. That’s probably why we hold in our tears.
But it’s good that you had people to call and let it all hang out. Crying doesn’t change the situation but sometimes letting off some of that emotional pressure allows you to go on a little bit longer.
Thanks for being one of those people 🙂 And for distracting me as well 🙂
I try to hold back my tears but I usually feel better after a good cry. I cried 3 times during my run on the Ironman course. Gut wrenching, sobbing cries. At the end, I was cried out.
I can’t stand to have people see me cry. I feel like it’s this complete display of vulnerability, this raw pain, and it exposes a lot. However, for exactly those reasons, it can be so good to cry with others. It creates a closeness. I try to hold it together in group situations because that’s usually been my role growing up. I don’t want others to hurt, etc. But, it’s freeing to just be and let it out. It all comes out sometime regardless. Music is a big trigger for me too.
I know how you feel – I do the same thing and then it seems when the tears finally come out, they come out ferociously and from a very deep place, which is sometimes scary. Who know why we do it, I have no clue. I wish I could let loose easier and not keep all those tears bottled up for so long.
Hope you and the family are doing as well as possible. Hugs
I couldn’t control my tears even if I tried. It’s not in me. I know from past experiences that crying is a release and it makes me feel better even it’s short-lived. Holding things inside usually isn’t a good idea because it will bite you in the butt or manifest into something else (anxiety, maybe?).
I pretty much always try to hold back tears…and ALWAYS fail. I blame it on being a spoiled only child who has been allowed to cry at every little thing. It does bite me in the butt because it happens in really unprofessional situations–namely crying when I worked as a waitress and royally messed up. And the worst–trying to hold back tears during my MASTER’S exam last semester. That failed the most; I ended up hyperventilating and excusing myself. Bad times.
I usually try to hold tears back to avoid making other people feel awkward or to avoid displaying too much emotion in a professional situation. However, funerals, weddings, Hallmark commercials–fair game!
I started crying at my last job once. I don’t remember what it was, but something had me so frustrated. And the crying felt good, but I was embarassed!
Losing someone is an emotional roller coaster and we each ride it differently. I’ve tried holding back tears to seem strong but it always bites me in the ass (I rarely do it anymore). Memories have a way of surprising us and the tears can follow quickly. It’s all part of grieving. It’s all part of making sense of life and death and love (we never do, do we?).
Be gentle with yourself and let yourself feel when you can. You deserve that and all the kindness you can muster to give to yourself.
Thanks sizzle.
I hope, if anything, I learn from this. To let myself feel 🙂
What a beautiful tribute to your mother-in-law. And a great reminder (and how I want my funeral to be) that, as incredibly difficult as it can be for those left behind, it’s so important to celebrate the LIFE of that person. And it sounds like your mother-in-law had a wonderful one. 🙂
I don’t cry often, but when I do …..watch OUT. It definitely has a lot to do with my hormones, but sometimes when I get going, I can’t stop. I think because I hold it in so often. And that feeling of letting go….well, it feels pretty darn good when all is said and done.
Still thinking about you and your family!
Thanks Holly 🙂
It was amazing, all of the people who came to the funeral to celebrate her life. Standing room only 🙂
What a great post! I feel so often that I hold back my tears related to my infertility. And then usually, I let it out a few times every month to my husband. This happened to me last weekend – it seemed like so many of my family members/friends were being insensitive to our situation and one thing happened where I just started crying nonstop to my husband. On the other hand, I was able to share w/ our small group about our situation and it helped to talk about it with others. I have a tendency to hold it in and not talk about it, but when we shared our story we had overwhelming support. Thinking about you often……
Thanks Amanda. 🙂
There are some things I hold in (like this!) but then feel so much better when I do share. I am sorry your family/friends are being insensitive 🙁
I think we hold back the tears becuse it is very painful and makes us feel vulnerable. I know that it will hit us when we least expect it. It is all healthy though. At least you have that cute video!
I know! I am so happy my husband made that vid!
I used to always hold back tears and it would cause so much built up emotion that I would start crying hysterically over the smallest, most ridiculous thing for no reason. I don’t know if I feel the need to be stoic or not appear vulnerable but I’ve become more comfortable with it as I’ve gotten older.
The video is adorable. You are way better in the singing department than I am!
LOL, thanks. I love the Beatles and can’t help but sing!
I get upset over silly things too, after holding it all in. Enough of that!
kim, i do the same thing. must run in the family? : ) i hold in my tears and feelings in hope to be strong for everyone around me. but then at the appropriate times i do allow myself to let go. music is a very big trigger for me too.. although i havent been to many funerals i can remember key songs from each one. & when i hear these songs later it is always a remembrence for that person. im here for you if you need anything. love you!
I remember I tried not to cry at all at Grandpa’s funeral. I was so sad, and it was so hard seeing him in the casket, looking like him old self… but I didn’t want to cry. I knew once I started I wouldn’t stop!
The songs become a remembrance for me too 🙂
love you!
I tried at both Tom & Pappa’s funerals not to cry. & each funeral had a song that made me break down & ball. Although Pappa’s was much harder for me being older & understanding more. i miss him.. 🙁
what is with the ilax women & not crying? haha it must be the greek in us. 🙂
first just know you’re in my prayers and i’m glad you have such strong family around you. My inital reaction is always one of taking care of business…it’s usually weeks later when I finally break down and then it’s not pretty
Thanks 🙂
I imagine there will be a lot of that (breaking down) even in the months to come. 🙁
Kim I am one of those people that do hold back tears and laugh off certain emotions. I for one do it so I don’t interupt other people thoughts while it may be a furnel or just something sad . Due to I am a very loud cryer lol and also for my two boys… they can’t see me cry
This is a great post. I relate; I never cry. At least not out of sadness. I cry out of anger, or frustration, but almost never sadness. I have never been able to figure out why except that maybe I feel guilty if I cry? The truth is, I feel guilty for not crying. It is very bizzarre these emotions!
I felt guilty too, even though I knew I was trying not to cry! So weird!
I am more likely to cry out of anger or frustration. It feels good sometimes.
I’m a total crybaby. I cry whenever my hubby and I have words. I cried for months after my father died. Grieving is really unpredictable, and you’re kind of just along for the ride. Sometimes you will expect to feel horrible, and you’ll be just fine, and sometimes a little thing will make you a wreck. It’s perfectly O.K. and natural to cry often over the next however long it takes following Linda’s death. You really loved her, and your body is going to respond with tears sometimes. Everyone understands that.